


Knowns, Unknowns, and Things to be Learned

by CirrusGrey



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Asexual Character, Getting Together, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, Martin is The Best and loves Jon unconditionally, Martin returns, Rated teen for swearing, Working title was 'the self-indulgent ace feels fic' and I think that shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-31 08:02:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19421836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CirrusGrey/pseuds/CirrusGrey
Summary: Jonathan Sims is uncertain about a great many things in his life.





	Knowns, Unknowns, and Things to be Learned

Jonathan Sims is uncertain about a great many things in his life.

He doesn't know what the Watcher's Crown is, or if he can stop it. He doesn't know if he can save the world from the million other threats that face it, or if he has the courage to die trying. He doesn't know if he still counts as human, or if it even really matters anymore. He doesn't know if he deserves the friendship Martin has always shown him. He doesn't know if he still  _ has  _ that friendship. He doesn't know if Martin still thinks of him at all, cold and Lonely as ever even though his deal with Peter is over. 

Jonathan Sims is uncertain about a great many things in his life. But there is one fact that cuts through the confusion like a guiding star on the darkest night:

He is in love with Martin Blackwood. 

And that is why, when Martin stops by his office late one night to ask him out on a date, his heart breaks. 

~~~~~

The door opened quietly, and Martin leaned around it with a small, uncertain smile. 

"Jon. Is this a good time to talk?"

Jon looked up from the papers in front of him, heart doing a familiar flip in his chest. Martin had been back for weeks now, but Jon was still unused to his presence. To the fact that he was  _ here, _ that he could  _ see _ him, that they could talk whenever they wanted. Not that they had done much talking. Martin had been... quiet.

"Of course, Martin. Come in."

Jon took a deep breath as Martin closed the door, trying to calm himself down. It was the usual thrill of having him back mixed with nerves about finally talking - it was one thing to discuss the various apocalypses they had stopped or were in the process of stopping (which they had, to great extent) - it was quite another to talk about  _ themselves. _ And from the way Martin was standing, shifting from foot to foot nervously... he wasn't here to discuss strategy. 

"See, the thing is-" Martin stopped, tapping the fingers of one hand against his leg. "Um. I've been gone a while."

Jon nodded. "With good reason. I'm sorry for not understanding earlier."

"No, it's-" He cut himself off, shook his head. "I'm not here to apologize again, and I don't need  _ you _ to apologize again either. It's just, I've been gone for a while. And you were gone for a while before that."

Jon couldn't meet his eyes at that. He dropped his gaze to the desk, nodding solemnly and fiddling with a pencil.

"And there were certain things said on tape that I'm guessing you've heard since then."

Jon closed his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Martin. Like I've said before, if you need to talk-"

"This isn't about my mum." Martin's voice wobbled a little, but he cleared his throat and continued without hesitation. "It's about you. And me."

_ Oh. _ Oh, so this was about - 

"Y-yes, I did hear that."

"Right. And, well, I know it's been awkward, these past few weeks, but I haven't known how to bring it up and I wasn't sure how you felt about it and-"

His words flowed in an anxious rush. Jon raised a hand in a calming gesture, about to interject in an attempt to get him back on track, but Martin stopped himself before Jon could, grimacing.

"Never mind. The point is, it's been a while. And a lot can happen in a while. Feelings change."

The nervous energy Jon had been flooded with vanished. His shoulders relaxed, his heart rate steadied. He took a deep breath, and met Martin's eyes. 

"Yes. Yes they do."

Perhaps it was a strange reaction to finding out the man he was in love with no longer felt the same. And yes, a part of him hurt at the news, felt like it was getting stabbed repeatedly with a bloody dagger. But another part of him, a much larger part, the part that had always known Martin would never be his no matter how much they both wanted it... was relieved.

Martin nodded, eyes widening slightly. "O-okay, so, yeah. Feeling change. And, because of that, I-" he stopped, biting his lip. "Can you- can you come over here? It feels kind of weird, standing here with you behind the desk."

Jon shrugged, but complied, smiling a bit. He loved Martin's quirks, just as he loved Martin, just as he would continue to love Martin for as long as he was still human enough to feel such things. Even if Martin didn't feel the same, Jon was happy to love him from a distance, finding joy in just being able to know him, and be near him. If Martin found it easier to break off this thing that they had never actually had without the distance of a desk between them, well... Jon was happy to humor him. 

He raised his eyebrows once they were face to face, still smiling. 

"Martin."

"Jon." Martin sounded slightly breathless. "Um. Yeah. Like I was saying, feelings- well. I've, uh, decided to take hope from that and, uh. I know you didn't think much of me before, but, well, you've seemed really happy to have me back and, you know, you heard what was on the tapes and you don't seem terribly put off by it, so I guess what I'm saying is will you go on a date with me?"

He stopped, eyes wide, shoulders rising and falling with his rapid breaths. 

And Jon... well, Jon panicked.

"M-Martin, I don't-" Shit. Shit, he couldn't  _ do _ this. Ending things and staying friends was one thing, but getting together, with all the expectations that entailed, and Martin slowly realizing he  _ wasn't enough - _ "I like you, I do, but I- I'm not-" 

"You're not gay?" Martin gave a smile that was half a grimace, waving a hand to dismiss Jon's stuttered explanations. "It's okay, Jon, I get it, I misread the situation, you don't have to-"

"N-no, I- I'm bi, I just don't-" Martin looked heartbroken, and Jon couldn't have that. He should just take the easy way out, let Martin think what he would and they could still be friends, but... Martin deserved an explanation. More than that, Jon needed him to know. His own heart beat hard in his chest, aching with the thought that he was about to lose Martin forever, but he spoke anyway. "I  _ like _ you, Martin, I really do, I want to-  _ god, _ I want to hold your hand, and take you out to dinner, and kiss you in the rain, but-" He took a deep breath. No turning back now. "I'm asexual. I can't- I don't do the more intimate aspects of a relationship, so I can't-"

Martin's eyes widened, and his whole face lit up in understanding. A slow smile crept onto his lips, and he shook his head. "I don't need that, Jon. Any of it, even the kissing if you don't like. I'm not-" He laughed, a bit, more from shock than any humor in the situation. "All I want is emotional intimacy. I just want to know you're there for me, and to know I'm allowed to be there for you."

"You- you are." Jon frowned in confusion. "You always have been. And I  _ am, _ or at least I'm trying to be, but-" He shook his head in turn, getting himself back on track. "But relationships are supposed to be  _ more _ than that, and I- I can't ask you to give those aspects up- to  _ settle _ for this, for  _ me!  _ You deserve better." He did. Even if it meant he could never look Jon in the face again, knowing that they could have had it all if not for some strange quirk of psychology or genetics or  _ whatever _ this was, meaning Jon would never - could never - give him everything he deserved. 

"Jon..." Martin was still smiling. He took a step forward, grabbed Jon's hands in his own. "Come to dinner with me. Tonight. You can walk me home, we can hold hands and kiss on the doorstep if you like, and I can tell you _ exactly _ what I think about compulsory sexuality and the so-called necessity of sex in a relationship."

"Wh... what?" Martin's voice was so warm, and his face filled with such open and honest affection that Jon felt almost overwhelmed by it. He'd never have thought- well. Martin was far more self-aware than Jon was in matters like these, and he seemed to have given the matter a lot of thought. If he said it wouldn't become an issue...

Hope blossomed in his chest.

"I'm not  _ settling,  _ Jon, and I'm not  _ giving something up _ either. It's your personality I'm in love with, not... it's _ you,  _ okay?" He squeezed Jon's hands.

Jon's eyes widened. "Love?"

"Oh." Martin flushed, his calm reassurance turned to flustered embarrassment in an instant. "I, uh. I didn't mean to- just pretend I didn't-"

Jon kissed him.


End file.
